Psalm 42 contains some of my most oft-thought about verses in the Bible. I read verses 1 and 7 as my very own prayers most times whenever I need to remind myself of God’s nearness.
But in all these years of reading the Bible, and reading Psalm 42, it was only this afternoon as I was getting ready to leave work for the weekend, that my eyes fell on my open Bible, open to Psalm 42, and verse 2b seemed to lift up off the page, and there was this intriguing phrase, well, a question, really…
When shall I come and appear before God? – Psalm 42:2b NKJV
I had to read it again, and again. When shall I come and appear before God?
To me, to my understanding, at least, of the words in verse 1, Psalm 42 is an admission of a soul’s desire for God. Not just for His help, not just for His Presence contemplated from a distance, but an intimate presence in our very soul. A presence whose absence make us thirsty like thirsting for water.
And now, reading that question, asking when can I come to the Presence of God? When? How? How does one come to the Presence and live? How does one come to the Presence and not be changed? How does one come to the Presence and remain the same?
I wonder, does the psalmist mean simply going to the temple, like he mentions in verse 4? Or, is this question a yearning, a longing for something deeper? A deeper intimacy that can only be realised when we’re in His presence?
But when we yearn and long for more of Him, for a deeper touch, a deeper embrance, aren’t we essentially longing for our death? Maybe not simply like a soul cleanse and renewal sort of death, but the ultimate death, from this life and to wake up into eternity with Him?
This verse has awakened more questions in me. And in a way, it is timely, as all of God’s promptings are, for I was deep in thought about plans, and things I wanted to do, not only this long Fiji Day weekend, but in my life in general.
I was weighing in my inner balance whether to buy a laptop, something that I’ve wanted for a long time to help me with my writing and blogging, or save the money and put it toward renovating our house, also something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.
And now I think I get it. For plans and needs, and desires that strain and stress our souls, we do need God’s presence to make things clear to us. To hold up our plans, hopes and dreams to Him, to slough away what is ephemeral and keep what is real, what is true, what is eternal. And it is like a death. It is a death, to our self-interest, to our small thinking, to our short-sightedness.
I think it will hurt, when it’s something we’ve wanted for so long. But I think it would hurt even more if we don’t, if we never draw near to Him. Never know His deeper presence. Never know what He desires we do with our selves, our lives. Yes, that will hurt more.
When shall I come and appear before God? O my God, I come.